love yourself

I locked myself in the bathroom.
Sitting in the corner, crying my heart out.
I hated my life, I hated myself.
I was in pain, I was suffering.
Everything seemed to be wrong.
My life was crashing down on me.
My eyes were swollen and my head was pounding.
I was buried in my own tears.
I could barely open my eyes, breathing was difficult.
The pain was inexplicable.

My sister knocked on the door.
I was sharing a room with her and I locked the bedroom door.
She was angry because she couldn't come into the room.
After 5 minutes of furious knocks, I opened the bedroom door and ran back into the bathroom.
I thought she wouldn't bother about me, but she knocked on the bathroom door and tried to talk to me.
Finally I opened the door and let her in.
In between sobs I told her how much I hated this, how no one could understand me.
I told her no one loves me anymore. I don't have any friends, everyone thinks I am a freak
I told her that I wanted all these to stop. I hated feeling so helpless and most of all, I feel sorry for my parents for having to deal with this kind of daughter.
She talked to me nicely, hugged me and said something that I remember till this day.
" You don't even love yourself, how do you expect other people to love you?"

Since then, whenever I feel down because I think that no one cares, that I am alone in this world, I will always think about what my sister had said.
And it's true, I don't even love myself, how can I expect people to feel the same?

So yeah, this post is just to remind me to love myself.
:)
Thanks jie.

p/s: I am fine! Not feeling emo or anything. Just want to share this with others.

look how different angles can do wonder to my face.

how i wish...

Oh how I wish I was back in primary school. Waking up early in the morning, carrying my super heavy bag to school, doing lame things in class, have extra class till 4.10pm, go home and sit at the dining table with piles of homework to do and have fun with my neighbours in the evening.

Oh how I wish I was still as close to my family. Swimming, shopping, dinner, laugh and talk about anything and everything instead of studies and health. How I wish my parents could still see me as their naughty little girl instead of this weird, problematic girl. How I wish I was close to my sister and share all those girly things with her. How I wish I could still always hang out with my brother, bully him, fight with him and ask him to buy me a packet of chrysanthemum tea as my birthday present.( and he did, I was touched )

Oh how I wish I was still as close to my neighbours. I miss those times when we cycled, play gymnastic, masak-masak, play badminton, go ding-dong at people's house and then run away, go padang.........and so much more.

Oh how I wish I was still stuck at Form 2 and Form 3. Those were the happiest time of my life. Both of my best friends were in the same class as me. All our classmates were so crazy. Life was so easy and fun.

Oh how I wish those people who were once my best friends didn't change.

Oh how I wish I hung out more with my college classmates. Especially Tal, Mich, Loon Wei, Sarawakians...They were all such nice people.

.....there are so many more things that I wish, but the one thing that I miss the most is...

that I was the person I once was. I wish I didn't change. Why?!! What ever happened that make me the "me" now that I detest so much. Up until 15 years old, my life was so great, but for the past 6 years, things changed, I CHANGED and since then I have been living in hell. (except when Nian and Snowflakes came into my life)
I have no friends, always getting angry about nothing, my mind is thinking too much. I always tell myself, to stop all these, try to become the girl you once was, but after 6 years, nothing changed. How is it so hard??

Well I hope 5 years from now(or less), I could tell myself " Yay, you did it!"

curl?

Whatcha think? Should I curl my hair?

88

Holy crap! It's already August!
The start of 4th semester, ghost festival, 21st birthday, last month of winter(yay!)...
Although there's not much difference, but of course this year is much better than last year.
First year is always the toughest, like what my dad said.
So I guess that's why time seems to pass faster this year.

Actually I am quite lazy to update my blog, but anyway here's a summary of what I've done, what I am doing and what I am going to do in point form :

• worked in Old Town Kopitiam for 3 weeks. I've resigned due to studies. Made some new Malaysian friends who are all really nice and friendly.
• got a bump on my eyelid. went to the pharmacy : first time, pharmacist asked me to put hot towel on my eye. second time, pharmacist asked me not to do anything and just leave it. third time, pharmacist asked me to go and see the doctor. went to the doctor and he gave me Cephalexin (antibiotic). oh and something random, I love it when my GP keeps calling me a "good girl" whenever I said OK to his instructions. It makes me feel like a little girl. (with a halo on my head) haha
• 21st birthday is coming and I don't even feel excited or anything. I don't really care anyway.I just want a Juicy Couture handbag from the bf and a camera from my dad. No, actually I just want my baby Snowflakes to be here with me. :( anyway I dont think I will be celebrating.Don't really want to either. Maybe just watch a beanbag movie with the bf, and if the weather is not cold, go to the beach or something.lol. just because someone said that there are many dogs at Brighton beach, which immediately caught my attention.
• feel very lost in my studies. the subjects this semester are craps. it's already week 3 and i feel like i dont know a single thing.
• felt so happy because everyone loved the claypot chicken rice that i cooked. lol. I just followed the recipe only lahh. cheat wan.
• thinking of trimming my hair.should i? or should i not waste money and trim when i am back in Malaysia? I always go to the saloon in SS15- Curlers, to cut my hair. I don't know why. I just love the hairdresser. :D His name is Jeremy I think.
  

• saw my cousin who is studying in Clayton for the 1st time although he's been here for almost 6 months? haha. He passed me the clothes that I bought online. Ahhh loveeee. Clothes from Singapore's blogshops are much nicer than Malaysia's blogshops!
  

haiya i don't know what to write already. been staring at the screen for so long but couldn't think of something. Yeah my life is that boring. Everyday stay at home, online and munch on foods. Yeahhh naissss.

anyway,can't wait for end of the year!!
but sigh, have to go through this semester first.
LIFE.

for 5 years

This is my first time spending winter in Melbourne and all I can say is :
How can people jog on the streets with just a T-shirt and shorts??!
or how can people still go clubbing wearing a short sexy tight dress without a jacket??!
Brrr thinking of it just made me cold. lol.

It is getting colder now. For me, this week was the coldest.
Who knows next week might be even colder.
Nevertheless, I will be at home with my socks, pyjamas and "bubble".
I will only go out for work and bubble tea. :D

Holiday is ending soon and results will be out on Monday.
Pray hard for me please. *big goo goo eye*

So...Crystal was here for 2 weeks.
Can't believe we didn't meet up when I was back in Malaysia for summer break.
We only bumped to each other once in Empire.
So when she was here, we met up for drinks, walked to Crown and catched a movie.
Glad that she was still the same cheesetal I knew during college. She is one of the few girlfriends that I really like hanging out with.


Anyway, I was browsing through my old pictures and just decided to show you how I changed didn't change from 2007. urghh so vain, I know. lol


2007 prom night

The Marilyn Monroe dress that I borrowed from my neighbour.
Abit too revealing I guess. I think people talked bad about me on that day. Oppss



2008, December





Oh, and I just have to put a picture of my baby because he is soooo cute and I miss him so much!




2009

love this dress so much but I've only wore it once




2010, January

2010, in Melbourne

2011, January

And since then, I rarely take pictures anymore.

My camera is on top of the cupboard collecting dust.

I guess I will use it when I am back in Malaysia again?

Hopefully it will still be functioning.

So far I've worked in Old Town Mamak for 3 days. 2 days of training and my official first day of work was a 4 hour shift.
Made some new friends and all of them are really nice.

Ok gotta go download Vampire Diaries Season 2 and more yahoo games for my "hibernation".

Love, me.

1 more..

Hello dead blog, I am back!
Just done with 3 papers and I am left with 1 more. The last paper is on Tuesday.
Honestly thinking, I think I did quite badly for all 3 papers, especially the second one.
Say bye-bye to HD and D. Hopefully I won't fail!
I think I will commit suicide if I fail. Ok maybe I am exaggerating. :p
But please God, dont let me fail or get a Pass. At least a Credit. please please please. I studied consistently everyday since the beginning of the semester ( err I skipped a few days lahh), so I need to know that my effort has not gone to waste.
:(




So anyway, I am not going back to Malaysia for winter break.
I am going to stay here, work part time and buy some story books to read.
Sounds like a good plan?



Ok I will update again as soon as I have something to update.
lol.
urghhh I am so scared about how my results will turn out wtf^$^&)(*)(#$$%!!#$
I dont wanna fail! I dont wanna waste my parents' money!
People will not like me anymore if I am stupid. :(
Urgh okbye!