love yourself

I locked myself in the bathroom.
Sitting in the corner, crying my heart out.
I hated my life, I hated myself.
I was in pain, I was suffering.
Everything seemed to be wrong.
My life was crashing down on me.
My eyes were swollen and my head was pounding.
I was buried in my own tears.
I could barely open my eyes, breathing was difficult.
The pain was inexplicable.

My sister knocked on the door.
I was sharing a room with her and I locked the bedroom door.
She was angry because she couldn't come into the room.
After 5 minutes of furious knocks, I opened the bedroom door and ran back into the bathroom.
I thought she wouldn't bother about me, but she knocked on the bathroom door and tried to talk to me.
Finally I opened the door and let her in.
In between sobs I told her how much I hated this, how no one could understand me.
I told her no one loves me anymore. I don't have any friends, everyone thinks I am a freak
I told her that I wanted all these to stop. I hated feeling so helpless and most of all, I feel sorry for my parents for having to deal with this kind of daughter.
She talked to me nicely, hugged me and said something that I remember till this day.
" You don't even love yourself, how do you expect other people to love you?"

Since then, whenever I feel down because I think that no one cares, that I am alone in this world, I will always think about what my sister had said.
And it's true, I don't even love myself, how can I expect people to feel the same?

So yeah, this post is just to remind me to love myself.
:)
Thanks jie.

p/s: I am fine! Not feeling emo or anything. Just want to share this with others.

look how different angles can do wonder to my face.

how i wish...

Oh how I wish I was back in primary school. Waking up early in the morning, carrying my super heavy bag to school, doing lame things in class, have extra class till 4.10pm, go home and sit at the dining table with piles of homework to do and have fun with my neighbours in the evening.

Oh how I wish I was still as close to my family. Swimming, shopping, dinner, laugh and talk about anything and everything instead of studies and health. How I wish my parents could still see me as their naughty little girl instead of this weird, problematic girl. How I wish I was close to my sister and share all those girly things with her. How I wish I could still always hang out with my brother, bully him, fight with him and ask him to buy me a packet of chrysanthemum tea as my birthday present.( and he did, I was touched )

Oh how I wish I was still as close to my neighbours. I miss those times when we cycled, play gymnastic, masak-masak, play badminton, go ding-dong at people's house and then run away, go padang.........and so much more.

Oh how I wish I was still stuck at Form 2 and Form 3. Those were the happiest time of my life. Both of my best friends were in the same class as me. All our classmates were so crazy. Life was so easy and fun.

Oh how I wish those people who were once my best friends didn't change.

Oh how I wish I hung out more with my college classmates. Especially Tal, Mich, Loon Wei, Sarawakians...They were all such nice people.

.....there are so many more things that I wish, but the one thing that I miss the most is...

that I was the person I once was. I wish I didn't change. Why?!! What ever happened that make me the "me" now that I detest so much. Up until 15 years old, my life was so great, but for the past 6 years, things changed, I CHANGED and since then I have been living in hell. (except when Nian and Snowflakes came into my life)
I have no friends, always getting angry about nothing, my mind is thinking too much. I always tell myself, to stop all these, try to become the girl you once was, but after 6 years, nothing changed. How is it so hard??

Well I hope 5 years from now(or less), I could tell myself " Yay, you did it!"